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 Dagens joke
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| rinpoche |
Lagt på d. 23/04-2015 17:20
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 Ekspert medlem  Antal indlæg: 5069 |
I hypokondernes klub: 4 ældre damer sidder i lægens venteværelse. Mens de fordriver ventetiden har de en hyggelig passiar. De er jo alle gode bekendte. "Hvorfor er fru Hansen ikke til stede her i dag"? "Hun kunne ikke komme, hun er syg" Lyder det beklagende fra fru Jensen. |
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| JohnBKK |
Lagt på d. 23/04-2015 20:37
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 Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 4361 |
I still miss my exwife, but my aim is getting better. At blive gammel: "Jeg går lidt langsommere, men til gengæld ser jeg mere" |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 30/04-2015 13:56
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 Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. Too many old people buy cat food to eat themselves, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. Too many old people buy dog food to eat themselves, so the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog." So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No way, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like Sh*t." The little old lady said, "It is.................. I want three rolls of toilet paper please." Don't mess with us old people "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 30/04-2015 14:07
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 Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. Welcome to Heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the MP. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises.... The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.' The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down and so on down to hell. When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? ' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. Today you voted. |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 30/04-2015 14:14
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?!" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..." God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds; 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!" "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than your's. |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 30/04-2015 14:17
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
Lidt reklame for IHI/BUPA A wealthy benefactor to a Testicle Disorder Hospital was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room in the NHS section where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he allowed to do that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman... As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, but now we're in the BUPA section of the hospital........." |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 30/04-2015 14:18
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Sunday Morning *** Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having *** would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along." "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 01/05-2015 09:00
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
Good medical advice from the ages of old... 1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day. 2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body. 3. F***ing refreshes you. 4. After F***ing, don’t eat too much; go for more liquids. 5. Try F***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy. 6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels. SO, REMEMBER ..... Fasting is good for your health and may God cleanse your dirty mind....!!!!!--------!??? |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 01/05-2015 14:17
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Mother-in-laws gone senile & stares through the window all day. If it rains I’ll let her back in 
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 02/05-2015 07:42
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard. Her er lidt om politikere: While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders. The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.” Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with." |
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| Papa |
Lagt på d. 02/05-2015 16:01
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 Øvet medlem  Antal indlæg: 245 |
Boes skrev: Mother-in-laws gone senile & stares through the window all day. If it rains I’ll let her back in Nu skal du være sød Boes 
"Some people believe football is a matter of life and death, I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that."  |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 02/05-2015 16:31
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
Papa skrev: Boes skrev: Mother-in-laws gone senile & stares through the window all day. If it rains I’ll let her back in Nu skal du være sød Boes Lidt omvendt sammenlignet med Joergen Ryg: Svigermor hvorfor staar du ude i regnen ? Gaa dog hjem. |
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| Papa |
Lagt på d. 02/05-2015 16:47
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Øvet medlem Antal indlæg: 245 |
hugoboerge skrev: Papa skrev: Boes skrev: Mother-in-laws gone senile & stares through the window all day. If it rains I’ll let her back in Nu skal du være sød Boes Lidt omvendt sammenlignet med Joergen Ryg: Svigermor hvorfor staar du ude i regnen ? Gaa dog hjem. ja Jørgen Ryg var en af de største herhjemme, og så den måde han kunne fortælle på, og hans dejlige mimik! 
"Some people believe football is a matter of life and death, I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that." |
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| zapper |
Lagt på d. 02/05-2015 22:44
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 Øvet medlem Antal indlæg: 442 |
Hendes mand havde i flere måneder skiftet mellem at ligge i koma og lige akkurat være ved bevidsthed, men alligevel havde hun siddet ved hans seng hver dag. En dag bad han hende om at komme tættere på, da han skulle fortælle hende noget. Han sagde: - "Ved du hvad? Du har altid været ved min side, når det gik dårligst. Da min forretning gik neden om og hjem, var du der. Da jeg blev skudt, var du der også. Da mit helbred begyndte at skrante, var du stadig ved min side. Ved du hvad, nu da jeg tænker over det, jeg tror sgu' du bringer uheld |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 03/05-2015 11:25
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
Putin Joke > > Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit > a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. > He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he > wants the best for the people. > At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions. > Little Sasha puts his hand up and says: "I have two questions: > Why did the Russians take Crimea? > And why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?" > Putin says: "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the > bell goes, and the kids go to lunch. > When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some > more questions. > Another boy, Misha, puts his hand up and says: > "I have four questions. My questions are: > Why did the Russians invade Crimea? > Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine? > Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? > And where is Sasha?" |
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| Webmaster |
Lagt på d. 03/05-2015 13:23
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 Superadministrator  Antal indlæg: 6782 |
 Med venlig hilsen
Webmaster Email: webmaster@dansk-thai.dk Website: www.thailand-portalen.dk Ytringsfrihed er ikke retten til at sige, hvad vi har lyst til, hvornår vi har lyst. Det er retten til at sige, hvad vi har lyst til, dér hvor vi har fået lov til det. |
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| zapper |
Lagt på d. 03/05-2015 15:13
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Øvet medlem Antal indlæg: 442 |
Pigerne i 7 klasse skulle forberede sig på konfirmationen inde i kirken. Præsten spørger den første: Har du haft fysisk kontakt med en penis? Hun havde taget på en penis med fingeren, og måtte skylle fingeren i helligt vand! Den næste i køen havde rykket i en, og måtte derfor skylle hele hånden i helligt vand! Pludselig begynder en pige at trænge sig frem i køen, og præsten spørger, hvad der er galt. Skal jeg gurgle i det vand, så skal det være før Lone vasker røv! |
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| Webmaster |
Lagt på d. 03/05-2015 18:43
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Superadministrator Antal indlæg: 6782 |
Fandme for sygt. Sådan nogle svin........ Med venlig hilsen
Webmaster Email: webmaster@dansk-thai.dk Website: www.thailand-portalen.dk Ytringsfrihed er ikke retten til at sige, hvad vi har lyst til, hvornår vi har lyst. Det er retten til at sige, hvad vi har lyst til, dér hvor vi har fået lov til det. |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 04/05-2015 04:13
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him. The guy asks, "What's in the box?" The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad." The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?" The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later. "That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me." The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door. "Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands. "South American Blow Job Toad." "So?" asks the wife. "So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out." |
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| Asian Farmer |
Lagt på d. 04/05-2015 10:50
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 Øvet medlem Antal indlæg: 445 |
Tesco Pharmacy One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!" Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies 'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points". So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks". That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer whirred for a little longer than he expected then printed the following: 1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet 3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't yours. Get a lawyer. ... 6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better... Thank you for shopping at Tesco. |
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