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 Dagens joke
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 08/08-2014 10:24
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 Ekspert medlem  Antal indlæg: 5534 |
Survey on Sizes Women's response to ... 2 inches - I can't even hold it.... 3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied.... 4 inches- I've had bigger than that.... 5 inches- Good, but I wish a bit bigger! 6 inches- perfect.... 7 inches- Love it.... 8 inches - Wow! ...but cant have it all.... 9 inches - Painful but manageable..... 10 inches- Too much pressure on stomach! * * This survey was Customer's Feedback on different sizes of Subway Sandwiches. But I love the way you think! |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 11/08-2014 14:29
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars. At a session, the priest asked Giuseppe, a second generation Italian immigrant, and approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes to share an insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nice, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!' The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for the 50th wedding anniversary?' Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up." |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 13/08-2014 07:00
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!" One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 pound offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!" |
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| John |
Lagt på d. 14/08-2014 21:12
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 Administratorer  Antal indlæg: 2171 |
Det var begyndt at knibe med pladsen i himmelen, så Skt. Peter havde fået besked på kun at lukke dem ind der havde lidt en grusom død. Tre mænd kommer hen til himmeriges port, og Skt. Peter lukker den første ind og beder ham forklare, hvordan han døde. "Jo ser du, jeg bor på 25. etage, og da jeg kom hjem idag, lå min kone i sengen ved højlys dag. Jeg fik selvfølgelig straks mistanke om at hun havde haft herrebesøg. Så jeg kiggede under sengen, i skabet og hvor man ellers plejer at lede, uden at finde ham. Så jeg gik ud på altanen, og der hang skiderikken i fingerspidserne ud over kanten. Grebet af raseri bankede jeg løs på hans fingre uden at han gav slip. Jeg for ind og hentede hammeren, og bankede løs igen, han faldt også ned men landede i en busk og overlevede. Så gik jeg ud og hentede køleskabet og kastede efter ham, og det døde han af. Grundet ophidselsen fik jeg selv hjertestop og døde altså. Det måtte skt. Peter indrømme var en fæl måde at dø på, så han blev lukket ind. Så kommer den næste ind: "Jo, ser du jeg bor på 26. etage, jeg tager hver dag 25 armbøjninger og 20 englehop ude på min altan. Men i dag da jeg var i gang med mine englehop røg jeg ud over kanten på altanen, jeg nåede dog lige at gribe fat på 25. etage. Efter det kom der en galning og bankede løs på mine fingre, jeg skreg selvfølgelig om nåde, men han løb ind og hentede en hammer, og bankede videre til jeg slap. Jeg landede heldigvis i en busk, og lå der uden at kunne bevæge mig. Men jeg var i live, det var det vigtigste. Desværre var det ikke nok for galningen, så han smed et køleskab efter mig, og det døde jeg af. Det var en fæl omgang så han kommer også ind. Så bliver det den tredje og sidste mands tur, og Skt. Peter spørger, "nå hvordan døde du så?". "Jah, det er en lidt pudsig historie...men prøv at forestille dig det her: Jeg sidder splitternøgen og gemmer mig i et køleskab…" john@dansk-thai.dk
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 16/08-2014 06:02
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "Teacher, I'll bet you £50 I can guess what colour your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." Before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That little bugger! "He bet me £100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!" |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 16/08-2014 06:21
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 Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A man calls the emergency services and tells them he has been stabbed. When asked how many times he has been stabbed he replies "This is my first time" "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Papa |
Lagt på d. 16/08-2014 09:32
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 Øvet medlem  Antal indlæg: 245 |
Boes skrev: A man calls the emergency services and tells them he has been stabbed. When asked how many times he has been stabbed he replies "This is my first time" 
"Some people believe football is a matter of life and death, I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that."  |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 18/08-2014 18:30
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."* "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 20/08-2014 07:50
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 'Go and get your Mother' |
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| sony |
Lagt på d. 20/08-2014 08:19
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Erfarent medlem  Antal indlæg: 2037 |
Den største joke i dag må da efterhånden være tråden her, http://www.thaila...ost_220438 Savner KB Fusioner er for kujoner fck står for frederiksbeg cykel klub
Fodbold vor, du som er i Valby idrætspark Hellige vorde i FREM´s navn komme dit rige, ske din vilje på banen, således også i tabellen,giv os i dag vor 3 point, thi FREM er min klub, mit hjerte & min sjæl, i al evighed Forza.!!! |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 20/08-2014 08:30
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
Saa proever vi med denne her: The Dildo A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!" |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 20/08-2014 08:32
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute " Do you know who the father is?" - "For cryin' out loud! If you ate a tin of beans, would you know which one made you fart?" |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 22/08-2014 07:06
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A touching story about how men think…… > > > >As she sat by him, he whispered to her, his eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. > >When I got fired, you were there to support me. > >When my business failed, you were there. > >When I got shot, you were by my side. > >When we lost the house, you stayed right here. > >When my health started failing, you were still by my side... > >You know what Martha?" > >"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. > >"I'm beginning to think you're f**king bad luck." "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 22/08-2014 07:52
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
Why a wife should trust her husband ... Generally !! ONE MUST NEITHER PRESUME NOR ASSUME!! *There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband.* The wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her Bedroom. From under the sheets she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the sheet as hard as She can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a Drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, So l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?" |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 22/08-2014 08:39
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?" |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 24/08-2014 09:33
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Good business man. A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into A taxi in New York City and lay down on the back seat. r03; The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his Eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt To start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong With you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked Woman before?" The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you Sumsing, lady I vasn't staring at you like you Tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from." The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if You're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what Are you doing then?" He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking To myself,'Vair in DA hell is dis lady keeping De money to pay for dis ride? Now, that's a REAL Businessman! "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 25/08-2014 16:56
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
An Italian doctor says: "In Italy, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work." The Dutch doctor says: "That's nothing, in Holland we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." The Canadian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Six years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!" "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Papa |
Lagt på d. 25/08-2014 19:43
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Øvet medlem Antal indlæg: 245 |
Boes skrev: An Italian doctor says: "In Italy, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work." The Dutch doctor says: "That's nothing, in Holland we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." The Canadian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Six years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!" Det var sgu en af de bedre. Tak igen Boes! 
"Some people believe football is a matter of life and death, I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that." |
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| vandango |
Lagt på d. 26/08-2014 15:58
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 Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 3980 |
En lille dreng siger til sin far: Far, jeg skal skrive en opgave til skolen. Må jeg spørge dig om noget? Selvfølgelig min dreng - spørg løs ! Hvad er politik, far? Tja... i politik findes der: 1. Befolkningen 2. Regeringen 3. Den økonomiske magt 4. Arbejderklassen 5. Landets fremtid. Det forstår jeg ikke, far. Vil du forklare det for mig? Godt, jeg vil bruge vores hjem som eksempel: Jeg tjener pengene til den fælles husholdning - Altså er jeg den økonomiske magt. Din mor administrerer og bruger pengene - Altså er hun regeringen. Vi tager os af dine behov - du er altså befolkningen. Din lillebror er landets fremtid. Hans barnepige er arbejderklassen. Forstår du det, min dreng? Mere eller mindre... Om natten vågnede den lille dreng, ved at lille broderen græd. Drengen stod op for at se, hvad der var galt, han opdagede, at broderen havde skidt i bleen. Han gik ind i forældrenes soveværelse, hvor moderen sov tungt. Så gik han hen til barnepigens værelse, men gennem nøglehullet så han faderen oven på barnepigen. Eftersom de ikke reagerede på , at han bankede på døren, gik han tilbage til sit værelse og sov videre. Næste morgen sagde drengen til faderen: Nu tror jeg, at jeg forstår, hvad politik er. Glimrende, min søn! Prøv at forklare mig det med dine egne ord. Jeg tror, at det er sådan her: Mens den økonomiske magt fucker arbejderklassen, snorksover regeringen. Befolkningen bliver ignoreret fuldstændig, og landets fremtid står i lort til halsen.  |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 27/08-2014 07:32
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
En gammel traver, men vaerd at genopfriske: One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head. As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, “Well, he’s certainly not my husband.” As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, “He’s not my husband either.” He then passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. “Wait a minute,” she says. “He’s not even a member of this golf club.” |
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