. Det er fanme alverdens ting man kan få lavet nu om dage. 
Nyheder
Se indlæg
 Dagens joke
|
|
| Boes |
Lagt på d. 11/01-2016 07:53
|
 Ekspert medlem  Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Yesterday I was at my local PetsRUs store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldnt, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me. "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
|
|
|
| Boes |
Lagt på d. 11/01-2016 08:38
|
|
Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
You'll Never outsmart a woman A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend"..... And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.. 'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.' The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked. Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. He continued, "But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?” The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box". Never, never, never try to outsmart a woman!!! "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
|
|
|
| Boes |
Lagt på d. 12/01-2016 03:55
|
|
Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
|
|
|
| JohnBKK |
Lagt på d. 14/01-2016 06:04
|
 Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 4361 |
http://www.livele...1452718647  |
|
|
|
| vandango |
Lagt på d. 15/01-2016 13:42
|
 Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 3980 |
Klik på det gule billede....  |
|
|
|
| Boes |
Lagt på d. 15/01-2016 15:12
|
|
Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
The Pastor's Donkey The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!! You'll be a lot happier and live longer! "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
|
|
|
| Webmaster |
Lagt på d. 17/01-2016 11:55
|
 Superadministrator  Antal indlæg: 6782 |
Med venlig hilsen
Webmaster Email: webmaster@dansk-thai.dk Website: www.thailand-portalen.dk Ytringsfrihed er ikke retten til at sige, hvad vi har lyst til, hvornår vi har lyst. Det er retten til at sige, hvad vi har lyst til, dér hvor vi har fået lov til det. |
 |
|
| Boes |
Lagt på d. 18/01-2016 14:52
|
|
Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A small country church in Northern England. A well-to-do locality. After the sermon, the plate was passed around. When the plate was returned to the vicar, he looked and there were 5 and 10 pound notes these, even a couple of 20 pound notes - and three pennies. The Vicar couldn't contain himself. "I see by the collection plate that there is a Scotsman amongst us." From the congregation came the reply "Beggin Y'r Pardon - there are 3 of us here" "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
|
|
|
| Boes |
Lagt på d. 18/01-2016 16:05
|
|
Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Forgot Her Birthday... It was breakfast time at the Smiths' house. Linda turned to her husband Frank with an irritated look and said: "I bet you don't remember what today is!" "Of course I remember!" declared Frank, and hastily left for work. When he reached his office, he immediately went to his best friend's office and shouted: "Mark, you have to help me - I think it's my wife's birthday today and I completely forgot about it!" Mark calmed him down and opined that he should send his wife several gifts throughout the day. "That way there is no way she'll realize you just remembered. Besides, pick the right gifts and you'll have a very happy woman on your hands..." Frank immediately goes and does exactly that, sending his wife a beautiful dress, her favourite perfume and even some sexy lingerie, each delivered to the house every few hours. When evening came, Frank return to the house beaming with pride, and met his wife standing with a huge smile on her face. "First the beautiful dress, then the perfume I like so much, and then even some sexy lingerie! You really surprised me my love!" "Think nothing of it my love, just so long as you are happy." "I never thought I'd wear such beautiful clothes to pick my mother up from the airport!" "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
|
|
|
| Asian Farmer |
Lagt på d. 19/01-2016 07:48
|
 Øvet medlem  Antal indlæg: 445 |
To kvinder sidder og snakker: - Vi havde sex i går, katastrofe! Han kom hjem fra jobbet, åd middag på 3 minutter, vi havde sex i 4 minutter og 2 minutter senere sov han... Hvad med dig? - Fantastisk! Han inviterede mig på middag på restaurant efter mit valg, vi spadserede hjem, det tog ca. 1 time. Vel hjemme tændte han nogle stearinlys og så havde vi forspil i 1 time, vi havde vidunderlig sex i... mindst 1 time. Og til slut - tænk dig - talte vi sammen i 1 time! Et eventyr med andre ord... ... ... Deres respektive mænd sidder og snakker: - Vi havde sex i går. Vidunderligt! Kom hjem fra jobbet, middagen var allerede serveret, spiste, havde sex og bagefter sov jeg. Kan ikke blive bedre... Hvad med dig? - Katastrofe! Kom hjem fra jobbet, strømmen var gået. Måtte invitere konen på middag, ikke godt, men dyrt. Havde ikke råd til en taxa hjem, så vi måtte gå. Kommer hjem, stadig ingen strøm, fik tændt nogle stearinlys så vi kunne se noget. Var så irriteret at det tog mig 1 time at få den op at stå, og bagefter kunne jeg ikke komme før efter 1 time. Frustrerende! Da jeg endelig kom, kunne jeg ikke sove... Mindst 1 time lå jeg der - indtil det til sidst lykkedes konen at snakke mig i søvn...!!! |
|
|
|
| JohnBKK |
Lagt på d. 19/01-2016 09:38
|
|
Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 4361 |
Kondomet blev opfundet af en araber, han brugte en gedetarm... Men i 1833 fandt en englænder på at tage tarmen ud af geden først.  |
|
|
|
| Boes |
Lagt på d. 20/01-2016 07:57
|
|
Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Bubba The football coach noticed that Bubba, his star player, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?" Bubba replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the top of the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can keep going at 'em for hours!" The coach went home early the next day. He entered the bedroom and heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and began to bang his erect member on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and yelled, "That you Bubba?" "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
|
|
|
| Boes |
Lagt på d. 21/01-2016 09:44
|
|
Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Herb's little problem........ Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.' She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.' Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!' 'Yes, it is . 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.' "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
|
|
|
| Asian Farmer |
Lagt på d. 22/01-2016 03:24
|
|
Øvet medlem Antal indlæg: 445 |
En blondine og hendes mand sad og hørte radio. Speakeren sagde: "Vi forventer mellem 20 og 30 cm. sne i nat, så alle bedes parkere deres biler på den ulige side af vejen, så sneploven kan komme til." Blondinen går ud og flytter bilen... En uge senere sker det igen: "Der forventes 25 cm. sne i nat, så alle bedes parkere deres biler på den lige side af vejen, så sneploven kan komme til." Blondinen går ud og flytter bilen... 3 dage senere, er den gal igen: "Der forventes en voldsom snestorm med op til 40 cm. sne, så alle bedes...." Strømmen gik, og blondinen vidste nu ikke hvad hun skulle gøre. - Ved du hvad? sagde hendes mand.. "Denne gang synes jeg bare du skal lade bilen stå i garagen....." |
|
|
|
| Asian Farmer |
Lagt på d. 24/01-2016 13:41
|
|
Øvet medlem Antal indlæg: 445 |
A man who is just married is flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride is to accompany him the next day. When he gets there, he e-mails his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sends the e-mail, he mistypes the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the e-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow's 18 year old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on, with a message that reads, "Dear love, I just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you. Love, Me. P.S. Sure is hot down here." |
|
|
|
| Boes |
Lagt på d. 27/01-2016 04:11
|
|
Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident " The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's terrible!!! So many men dying that way!" Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?" "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
|
|
|
| Boes |
Lagt på d. 27/01-2016 04:14
|
|
Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!" Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!" 
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
|
|
|
| Pingus |
Lagt på d. 27/01-2016 16:56
|
 Lidt øvet medlem  Antal indlæg: 70 |
Fyret på grund af PC support !!! ----------------------------------- Fyret på grund af PC support Dette skulle være en virkelig historie om en ansat i et firma, der solgte tekstbehandlingsprogrammer. Vedkommende blev fyret efter at have forsøgt at hjælpe en kunde. Alle supportopkald bliver båndet. Dette er en udskrift af båndet, der fik ham fyret. "Microsoft support linien, Kan jeg hjælpe?" "Ja, jeg har problemer med min tekstbehandling." "Hvilken slags problem?" "Ja jeg var ved at skrive et brev da alle ordene pludselig forsvandt." "Forsvandt?" "Ja de blev bare helt væk." "Hmm. Hvordan ser det ud på din skærm?" "Ingenting." "Ingenting?" "Den er helt blank og vil ikke acceptere noget af det jeg taster." "Er du stadig i Word eller gik du ud af programmet?" "Hvordan kan jeg se det?" "Kan du se cursoren eller kan du se skrivebordet?" "Selvfølgelig kan jeg se mit skrivebord, men hvad er en kør-så?" "Ligemeget, kan du flytte cursoren rundt på skærmen?" "Der er ikke nogen kørs-så. Som jeg sagde før, vil den slet ikke acceptere noget af det jeg taster." "Har din monitor en lysdiode tændt?" "Hvad er en monitor?" "Den er den ting på dit skrivebord, der ligner et TV. Skærmen. Har den et lille lys, der viser om den er tændt?" "Det ved jeg ikke." "OK, kig bag på skærmen, og se, hvor strømledningen går ind. Kan du se den? "Ja, det tror jeg nok." "Fint. Følg nu ledningen, og fortæl mig så, om ledningen er sat i stikket i væggen, og om kontakten er tændt." "Yeps, ledning i og kontakten er tændt." "Da du kiggede bag skærmen, så du så, om der var to ledninger tilsluttet bagpå og ikke bare en?" "Nej." "Jamen, der skal være to, så kig lige igen, og find det andet kabel." "Okay, her er det." "Følg kablet, og fortæl mig, om det er sidder rigtigt ind i bagsiden af din computer. "Jeg kan ikke nå derom." "Hmm, men kan du ikke SE, om det sidder ind i computeren?" "Nej." "Hvad nu hvis du lægger knæet på bordet og læner dig ud over kanten?" "Nåå, nej, det er fordi, jeg ikke sidder i den rigtige vinkel - og fordi det er lidt mørkt." "Mørkt?" "Ja lyset er slukket på kontoret. Det eneste lys, jeg har, er fra vinduet." "Jamen, hvad så med at tænde lyset." "Nej. Det kan jeg ikke." "Nej? Hvorfor ikke?" "Fordi her er et strømsvigt." "Et...et....et.... strømsvigt? AHA, så tror jeg, at jeg ved lige, hvad vi skal gøre nu. Har du stadig kassen som computeren blev leveret i?" "Øh ja. Jeg har kassen henne i skabet." "Godt. Hent kassen, tag ledningerne ud, og pak computeren ned, som den var, da du fik den leveret. Så afleverer du den tilbage til butikken, du købte den fra." "Virkeligt? Er det så slemt?" "Ja, det er jeg bange for, at det er." "Nå, men hvad skal jeg så sige til dem?" "Fortæl dem at du simpelthen er alt for fucking åndsvag til at eje en computer." |
|
|
|
| vandango |
Lagt på d. 28/01-2016 20:39
|
|
Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 3980 |
«Marthe, nå har vi snart vært gift i 50 år. Det er bare én ting jeg lurer på. I alle disse 50 årene, har du noen gang vært utro mot meg?» Marthe svarte: «Vel, Henrik, jeg må være ærlig med deg. Ja, jeg har vært utro med deg tre ganger i løpet av disse 50 årene, men jeg har gode grunner for utroskapen». Henrik ble selvfølgelig såret av konas tilståelse, men sa: «Jeg har aldri hatt noe mistanke om dette, men kan du fortelle hva du mener med gode grunner?» Marthe sa: «Den første gangen var kort tid etter at vi giftet oss, vi holdt på å miste det lille huset vårt fordi vi ikke kunne betale lånet. Husker du den kvelden jeg dro for å snakke med bankmannen? Dagen etter fikk vi beskjed om at fristen ble utsatt». Henrik husket dette og sa: «Jeg kan tilgi deg for det, du reddet hjemmet vårt, men hva med gang nummer to?» Marthe spurte: «Husker du den gangen du var så veldig syk, men vi hadde ikke nok penger til å betale for hjerteoperasjonen du hadde behov for? Vel, jeg besøkte doktoren en kveld, og du husker kanskje at han gjennomførte operasjonen gratis?» «Jeg husker det» sa Henrik. «Det gjorde du for å redde livet mitt, så jeg kan selvfølgelig tilgi deg for det. Nå, fortell meg om den tredje gangen». «Okey», sa Marthe. «Husker du den gangen du stilte som presidentkandidat for golfklubben? Du trengte 73 stemmer til…» Henrik besvimte.  |
|
|
|
| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 29/01-2016 12:29
|
 Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law |
|
|
|
| Spring til debat: |
