. Det er fanme alverdens ting man kan få lavet nu om dage. 
Nyheder
Se indlæg
 Dagens joke
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 22/08-2015 12:45
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 Ekspert medlem  Antal indlæg: 5534 |
A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor: "Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again." Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife. Moments later he gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "WiFi"." |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 23/08-2015 07:13
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 Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. -- John Cleese - British writer, actor, member of Monty Python crew and tall person A final thought. Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC. "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 24/08-2015 15:28
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house. The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’ The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous. When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’ The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’ 
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 25/08-2015 10:46
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
Apartment for RENT A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note: 'Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: 1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously occupied, #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too large.' Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: 'Dear Sir: #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady... !! |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 25/08-2015 11:54
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 26/08-2015 17:42
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi: "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?" Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie." Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right." Kiwi: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: How does he treat you? Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Kiwi: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Kiwi: (in a panic) " Don't believe a word he says, that sheep's a bloody liar.." "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 27/08-2015 06:02
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah...She's pretty good lookin'....." "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 27/08-2015 06:28
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
Lidt af et selvmaal fra politiets side: http://www.pressr...4/TextView |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 27/08-2015 10:49
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone. "Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week." PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!" Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..." PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!" Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?" PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck." Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!" Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need. Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland - full of boxes. A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one......... MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 31/08-2015 08:07
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Murphy from Dublin, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business. "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Webmaster |
Lagt på d. 31/08-2015 17:20
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 Superadministrator  Antal indlæg: 6782 |
 Med venlig hilsen
Webmaster Email: webmaster@dansk-thai.dk Website: www.thailand-portalen.dk Ytringsfrihed er ikke retten til at sige, hvad vi har lyst til, hvornår vi har lyst. Det er retten til at sige, hvad vi har lyst til, dér hvor vi har fået lov til det. |
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| Webmaster |
Lagt på d. 01/09-2015 19:10
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Superadministrator Antal indlæg: 6782 |
Med venlig hilsen
Webmaster Email: webmaster@dansk-thai.dk Website: www.thailand-portalen.dk Ytringsfrihed er ikke retten til at sige, hvad vi har lyst til, hvornår vi har lyst. Det er retten til at sige, hvad vi har lyst til, dér hvor vi har fået lov til det. |
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| zapper |
Lagt på d. 04/09-2015 09:05
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 Øvet medlem  Antal indlæg: 442 |
En fabelagtig god forklaring. Konen kom tidligt hjem og fandt sin mand i dobbeltsengen med en meget attraktiv ung kvinde. Og hun blev ude af sig selv. "Dit store svin!" skreg hun, "Hvor vover du at gøre dette mod mig - en trofast hustru, dine børns mor - jeg forlader dig øjeblikkeligt! - og jeg ønsker i øvrigt skilsmisse - her og nu!!" Manden svarede: "Slap lidt af, kæreste - lad mig i det mindste lige forklare det hele!"' Godt - forklar så! - hvæsede hun, men det bliver så de sidste ord, du siger til mig!"' Og manden begyndte: "OK! - jeg var lige gået ind i bilen, da denne unge dame bad om et lift. Hun så ud til at være lidt nede i kulkælderen og så ganske forsvarsløs ud, så jeg fik medlidenhed med hende og lod hende komme ind i bilen. Med det samme kunne jeg se, at hun var tynd, snavset og meget dårligt klædt. Hun fortalte, at hun ikke havde fået noget at spise i 3 dage.Jeg ynkedes ved hende og bragte hende derfor med her hjem. Den mad, jeg havde lavet til dig i aftes, som du ikke ville have, fordi du ikke ville tage på i vægt, gav jeg til den lille stakkel, og hun spiste den med glubende appetit. Da hun jo også trængte sådan til at blive vasket, foreslog jeg hende, at hun kunne tage et dejligt brusebad, og imens bemærkede jeg, at hendes tøj var snavset og fuld af huller, så det smed jeg simpelthen ud. Da hun så intet tøj havde mere, gav jeg hende de designer-jeans, jeg gav dig sidste år, og som du ikke ville tage på, fordi de var alt for snævre.Jeg gav hende også det undertøj, jeg forærede dig i bryllupsgave, som du heller ikke ville bære, fordi jeg overhovedet ikke havde nogen smag. Den sexede bluse, min søster gav dig til jul, gav jeg hende også. Du ville jo alligevel ikke have den på, da du jo ikke kan udstå hende -og støvlerne, du købte i den der dyre boutique, men ikke ville trække på, fordi din kollega havde et par magen til, fik hun også." Manden tog en hurtig dyb indånding og fortsatte: Hun var ganske overvældet over min hjælp, og da jeg fulgte hende til døren, vendte hun sig imod mig og spurgte: Har du ellers andet, din kone ikke bruger??.. |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 05/09-2015 08:11
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
https://video.xx....e=55EAA669
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 05/09-2015 08:14
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
The R.T.P. = Respect !
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| TG950 |
Lagt på d. 05/09-2015 09:43
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 Erfarent medlem  Antal indlæg: 1670 |
" My Good Dog "
Den, der vil gøre drøm til virkelighed, må vågne op først.  både store & små stavefejl kan forekomme  livet forståes forlæns, leves baglæns. Brug ikke dagen på at se dig tilbage, Du skal alligevel ikke den vej..... Lev med de beslutninger du tager, også selv om andre ikke acceptere det Livet er som en bog, du kan ikke ændre de ting der allerede er skrevet, - men du kan starte et nyt kapittel.. |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 09/09-2015 09:14
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, and why she doesn’t want to have sex with her husband. “Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what.’ “Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what.’ I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what.’ So you see, Doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.” “Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?” 
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| GAMBIT |
Lagt på d. 09/09-2015 13:28
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 Erfarent medlem Antal indlæg: 1244 |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 09/09-2015 20:06
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
BURDE HUN FRIFINDES? Forsvarsadvokaten: Vil De være venlig at fortælle Deres alder? Den lille gamle dame: Jeg er 94 år gammel. Forsvarsadvokaten: Vil De fortælle os, med Deres egne ord, hvad der skete om aftenen den 1. april? Den lille gamle dame: Der sad jeg, alene i min havegyngesofa i min forhave på en varm forårsdag, da en ung mand kom snigende op på min terrasse og satte sig ved siden af mig. Forsvarsadvokaten: Kendte De ham? Den lille gamle dame: Nej, men han var i den grad venlig. Forsvarsadvokaten: Hvad skete der, efter han havde sat sig ned? Den lille gamle dame: Han begyndte at gnide mit lår. Forsvarsadvokaten: Stoppede De ham? Den lille gamle dame: Nej, jeg stoppede ham ikke. Forsvarsadvokaten: Hvorfor ikke? Den lille gamle dame: Det føltes godt. Ingen havde gjort sådan, siden min Albert døde for 30 år siden. Forsvarsadvokaten: Hvad skete der derefter? Den lille gamle dame: Han begyndte at gnubbe mig på brysterne. Forsvarsadvokaten: Stoppede du ham i at gøre det? Den lille gamle dame: Nej, jeg stoppede ham ikke. Forsvarsadvokaten: Hvorfor ikke? Den lille gamle dame: Hans gnubben fik mig til at føle mig i live og opløftet. Jeg havde det bedre, end jeg havde haft i årevis! Forsvarsadvokaten: Hvad skete der så? Den lille gamle dame: Altså, på det tidspunkt, følte jeg mig så vild og fuld af pep, at jeg bare smed mig ned og råbte: ?Tag mig, unge mand ? tag mig nu!? Forsvarsadvokaten: Gjorde han så det? Den lille gamle dame: : Fandme nej!! Han råbte bare: APRILSNAR!!!!!!? Og så var det, jeg skød ham, det dumme svin?. "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 10/09-2015 13:21
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
Doctor Bambuta. A flat chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated a certain Dr.Bumbutu in South Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr.Bumbutu to see if he could help her. Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.' A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?' Yes I am. How did you know?' He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickorydock'... |
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