På motorvejen her til morgen på vej til arbejde, så jeg over højre skulder, at der var en kvinde i en splinterny BMW, der kørte 130 km/t med snotten HELT oppe i bakspejlet - i gang med at lægge sin eyeliner!
Jeg kiggede væk i ganske få nanosekunder og så til min store forskrækkelse i bakspejlet, at hun nu var halvvejs ovre i min kørebane - STADIG optaget af hendes SKIDE makeup!
Jeg blev så forskrækket, at jeg tabte min elektriske shaver, så den slog et rundstykke ud af den anden hånd.
I forvirringen, mens jeg forsøgte at rette bilen op med mit knæ på rattet, røg mit headset væk fra øret og faldt ned i den kaffekop, jeg havde mellem benene, sprøjtede med kaffe og brændte "STORE CLAUS OG TVILLINGERNE".
Det gjorde så PISSE ondt, at jeg skreg af mine lungers fulde kraft, hvorfor jeg så tabte cigaretten ud af kæften, brændte hul i min skjorte og - AFBRØD EN VIGTIG SAMTALE.
Sådan en forpulet farlig, skide kvindelig bilist ....
På motorvejen her til morgen på vej til arbejde, så jeg over højre skulder, at der var en kvinde i en splinterny BMW, der kørte 130 km/t med snotten HELT oppe i bakspejlet - i gang med at lægge sin eyeliner!
Jeg kiggede væk i ganske få nanosekunder og så til min store forskrækkelse i bakspejlet, at hun nu var halvvejs ovre i min kørebane - STADIG optaget af hendes SKIDE makeup!
Jeg blev så forskrækket, at jeg tabte min elektriske shaver, så den slog et rundstykke ud af den anden hånd.
I forvirringen, mens jeg forsøgte at rette bilen op med mit knæ på rattet, røg mit headset væk fra øret og faldt ned i den kaffekop, jeg havde mellem benene, sprøjtede med kaffe og brændte "STORE CLAUS OG TVILLINGERNE".
Det gjorde så PISSE ondt, at jeg skreg af mine lungers fulde kraft, hvorfor jeg så tabte cigaretten ud af kæften, brændte hul i min skjorte og - AFBRØD EN VIGTIG SAMTALE.
Sådan en forpulet farlig, skide kvindelig bilist ....
Som sikkert også fik "knevret" med veninden på passager sædet, samt kigget på udsalgs vinduer samtidig.!
One day a Madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you?” she asked.
“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.
“No. I must see Valerie,” he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out $5000.00 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row — too expensive — and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.
The man replied, ” South Carolina.”
“Really” she said. “I have family in South Carolina.”
“I know,” the man said. “Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”
The moral of the story is that three things in life are guaranteed:
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off
He asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,
Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's
Where he ordered her a Happy Meal
With extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
And collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
And lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened
And her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it fuckin Wrong.
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
Jeg var lige stået af bussen, da jeg fik øje på et virkeligt velkonfigureret objekt, med nogle ordentlige attributter og en meget lækker brugergrænseflade. Hun lignede ikke en, der havde gået i cluster, snarere en fra bad sector.
Pludselig vendte hun sig om og oprettede en forbindelse mellem vores øjne. Jeg stod som linket til jorden - jeg var hendes slave. Jeg spurgte, om der var noget jeg kunne serve hende med og hun svarede, at hun gerne ville være host for mig - bare OS/2, så der ingen interrupts ville være.
Min clockfrekvens steg voldsomt og jeg følte mig som en mac-mand i en pc-konference.
Kort efter sad jeg i hendes kabinet og scannede environmentet, mens hun calibrerede sig til optimal ydeevne. Jeg gik over til window'et og udenfor var luften tyk af bugs. I karmen stod et billede af hende og hendes mand!
Så var hun jo til multitasking??? Nå, pludselig kom hun ind i stuen og jeg slog over i chat-mode.
Efter ca. 6 minutter var hun klar til en opkobling og jeg trak kabler ud. Hun så spørgende på det og spurgte, om det ikke var lidt lille af et joystick at være. Jeg svarede hende, at den bare var komprimeret når den var inaktiv, så den skulle bare have en Warmboot. Derefter tog jeg min virusbeskyttelse på og førte vores interfaces sammen. 7 timer efter kom jeg med et upload og disconnectede. Men hun ville have mere, så hun hev et nyt gummidyr frem og sagde, at hun var vild med mænd, som ville køre i protected mode. Jeg svarede, at sådan var jeg bare installeret i den nye opgradering. Efter endnu 7 timer måtte jeg sende en time-out pga. overflow i hendes gate. Jeg disablede min spooler funktion og gik i Standby-mode.
Jeg vågnede pludselig til en Coldboot og kunne mærke, at jeg trængte til en total rekompilering. Samtidig opdagede jeg, at jeg var blevet smidt ud af hendes system og jeg kunne ikke komme ind igen, uanset hvor mange pakker jeg sendt mod alle hendes porte. Lidt skuffet besluttede jeg mig for at surfe videre. Jeg forsøgte siden hen at trace hende, men det var umuligt da hun åbenbart brugte dynamisk adressering. Surt show!
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I have ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’’ll hold your monkey for you
