WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. Are you the manager? she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually, no, he replied. Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him, she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. I'm afraid I can't, breathed the bartender. Is there anything I can do? Yes. I need for you to give him a message, she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. What should I tell him? the bartender managed to say. Tell him, she whispered, there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!
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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.
En kvinde i en rød varmluftballon indså, hun var faret vild. Hun reducerede højden og så en mand på jorden. Hun gik lidt længere ned og råbte til manden: ”Undskyld, kan du hjælpe mig? Jeg har aftalt et møde med en veninde for en time siden, men jeg ved ikke, hvor jeg befinder mig!”
Manden svarede:
”Du befinder dig i en rød varmluftballon ca. 30 fod over havet på 55º41´47” - nordlig bredde og 10º12´47” østlig længde.”
”Du må være tekniker.” sagde kvinden.
”Det er jeg,” svarede manden, ”men hvordan vidste du det?”
”Tja,” sagde kvinden, ”alt, hvad du har sagt, er teknisk korrekt, men jeg har ikke nogen anelse om, hvad jeg skal bruge oplysningerne til. Faktum er, at jeg stadig ikke ved, hvor jeg er. Det eneste, jeg har fået ud af din hjælp, er, at jeg er endnu mere forsinket.”
Manden på jorden svarede: ”Du må være socialdemokrat.” ”Det er jeg,” svarede kvinden, ”men hvordan kunne du vide det?”
”Det er enkelt. Du ved ikke, hvor du er, eller hvor du skal hen. Du er kommet op ved hjælp af varm luft. Du har indgået en aftale, som du ikke er i stand til at holde, og du forventer, at folk under dig skal løse dit problem. Faktum er, at du befinder dig i samme situation, som du gjorde, før du traf mig, men nu er det pludselig min fejl!”
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal