It’s little Peter’s birthday next week and he asks his parents for a 15-speed bicycle for his present. But his father says, "Son, we'd love to give you one of these fancy bikes for your birthday, but as you know, Mum has just been made redundant. With the mortgage on our house over £200,000 and without her salary, there's no way we can afford a bike. Maybe next year."
First thing the following morning, his father sees little Peter walking out the front door with his little suitcase in his hand. So he shouts out, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Peter replies, "As I was walking past your bedroom last night, I heard you telling mum that you were pulling out. Then I heard mum tell you to wait because she was coming too. And if you think I’m going to stay here on my own with a £200,000 mortgage AND no bike, you must be mad."
Dette skete for mig ude foran Bilka og jeg vil selv mene jeg er en af de mere opmærksomme typer - Så det kunne ske for dig!
Sådan virker svindelnummeret:
...To unge (Ca. 18-årige) piger kommer over til din bil, mens du er ved at pakke dine varer ned. De begynder at pudse din forrude imens deres bryster er ved at falde ud af deres små t-shirts. Det er umuligt ikke at se på, og når du derefter tilbyder dem en skilling for deres indsats, afslår de, og be'r om et lift til midtbyen istedet. Du siger selvfølgelig ja, og de hopper ombord.
...Når du kører ud fra parkeringspladsen begynder de at have sex med hinanden. Så kravler en af dem om på forsædet og begynder at tilfredsstille dig oralt, imens den anden stjæler din tegnebog.
Jeg fik min tegnebog stjålet sidste torsdag, fredag, søndag, 2 gange mandag, og igen her i dag.
1- ...Når du kører ud fra parkeringspladsen begynder de at have sex med hinanden. Så kravler en af dem om på forsædet og begynder at tilfredsstille dig oralt, imens den anden stjæler din tegnebog.
2 - Jeg fik min tegnebog stjålet sidste torsdag, fredag, søndag, 2 gange mandag, og igen her i dag. I er hermed advaret
Moralen :
1- Man må ikke have/modtage "Blowjob" imens man kører bil .
2- Du glemte at advare Dig selv, men huskede selvfølgeligt at tømme tegnebogen efter torsdagen . (den ene gang ud af to om mandagen, måtte være som "erstatning" for manglende indtjening om Lørdagen )
[img]http://www.dansk-thai.dk/images/avatars/webmaster[1][1].gif[/img] is not a valid Image. , nu er du skyld at Jeg har fået forbud af konen mod at handle i BILKA alene .
Help is at hand
A very distinguished lady is on a plane arriving from Switzerland and finds herself seated next to a nice priest. She turns to the priest and says, "Excuse me, Father, could I ask a favour?"
"Of course, what can I do for you?" he replies.
"I have a problem. I bought myself a brand new sophisticated hair removing razor which cost me a lot of money. In fact I’ve gone over the declaration limits and I’m worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock for me?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I will not lie," he says.
"You have such an honest face, Father," she says, "that I’m sure they will not ask you any questions."
So she gives him the hair removing razor.
The aircraft arrives at its destination and when the priest presents himself to customs, he’s asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son," he replies.
Finding this a reply strange, the customs officer asks, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replies, "I have down there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used before."
Laughing loudly, the customs officer says, "Go ahead Father. Next!"
A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads “low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
“Got stuck?” The lorry driver says, “No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol.”
Karl Halvtag, talsmand for stamgæsterne på Bodega 'Den Gule Negl', fortæller om julen på Neglen.
Nå, så er det i aften, at vi skal danse om juletræet.
Her på Neglen er julestemningen i top, og vores servitrusse Linda har pyntet op med guirlander, kravlenisser og snespray i de blyindfattede vinduer og hele svineriet. Det er sådan noget, kællinger kan, mens vi andre må klare de mere tunge opgaver som at bære julepakkerne ind.
I år har vi taget vore forholdsregler, og vi har sagt til Henning, at han ikke skal være julemand, medmindre han kan styre sin brandert.
Sidste år gik det helt galt.
Da han kom vaklende ind med sækken på ryggen, fik han overbalance og faldt ned over juletræet, som at der gik ild i, og det samme gjorde der i hans skæg, men Henning var sgu ligeglad, han sagde bare »hohoho«, mens vi andre forsøgte at slukke branden, det bedste vi havde lært, og det er fan'me ikke let, når man skal ryge samtidig.
Men til sidst lykkedes det da, og Henning fik kun et mindre brandsår på hagen ved siden af de andre, som at han har fået, når han er faldet i søvn med en smøg i munden.
Nå, men i år skal han ikke være julemand, og Linda har desuden fået den geniale idé at sætte en slange på ølfustagen, som når hen til juletræet, så vi kan slukke det, hvis at der skulle gå ild i det igen.
Der er både flag og stearinlys på, og så er der hængt små flasker med Underberg og Gammel Dansk på grenene, som vi tømmer, imens vi går om træet, for man kan sgu godt blive tørstig af at danse rundt.
Det er nu ellers ikke, fordi der mangler væske under julemiddagen. Forretten er som regel en snebajer efter eget valg efterfulgt af flæskesteg med hele svineriet, som vi naturligvis både drikker øl og snaps til, efter at vi har sunget snapsesangen:
Haps, haps, haps / nu ska' vi ha snaps / En, der skærper appetitten / en, der rykker i banditten / Haps, haps, haps / nu ska' vi ha' snaps. SKÅÅL - og så ryger den lige ned i løgnhalsen.
Jeg er ellers ikke meget for at synge, men jeg synes, det hører sig til op under jul.
Til dessert spiser vi risalamande, men vi er holdt op med at lægge en mandel i, for det var lige ved at gå galt forrige år, hvor Ruth fik sin mandel galt i halsen og hostede som en gal og blev rød i hovedet og var lige ved at tabe sin cigaret, indtil jeg fik trykket hende hårdt på maven, så den røg ud, altså mandelen.
Uheldigvis ramte den Benny i øjet, så han måtte på skadestuen senere på aftenen, men forinden var han og Ruth kommet op at skændes om, hvem som der havde ret til mandelgaven, som var et helt karton grønne Look, men til sidst skar Linda igennem og gav dem en halvdel hver.
Siden har vi droppet det lort med mandel, for juleaften skal være en aften, hvor rygere kan samles om julebudskabet og en flok bajere i fred og fordragelighed.
Sitting in a small restaurant, a client asked the proprietor for the menu.
"We don't need a menu here," said the proprietor, "We can serve anything you ask for."
"What? Anything?" asked the client.
"Yes, anything at all." was the reply.
"In that case, I would like some camel's tail soup."
"Very well, sir, but it will take a little while, and you will have to wait a while for it."
"That's OK," said the client. He sat waiting for an hour or so, then a waiter brought a tureen of fragrant soup. He ate the lot, and was thoroughly delighted. He called for the proprietor. "I really enjoyed that," he said, "But surely it was not really camel's tail soup."
"It certainly was" exclaimed the proprietor. "Tell you what, come with me."
The client was led to the back of the restaurant, where a Porsche was parked, and was motioned into it. They drove about a hundred miles into the countryside, to an enormous farm. There the client was amazed to see every possible kind of exotic plants, animals and birds. The restaurant proprietor pointed to a compound in which there were two camels, of which one had only a stump of a tail, bandaged, with a trace of blood.
"That's where your soup came from," he announced.
The client was absolutely floored. "That is remarkable," he gasped, "but there must sometimes be demands you can't satisfy."
"No," replied the proprietor, "we have never been caught out... Wait, no, we were once... when a customer asked for crocodile balls on toast. We were clean out of bread that day!!!"
Peter goes to see his doctor. "So how can I help you?" asks his doctor.
"Wwwwell aas you nnnnknow, dddddoctor," Peter replies, "I've bbbeen a ssstttutterer ffor yyears and I'm fffed uhuhup wwwith iiit. Ccccan yyyou pppplease hehehelp mmme?"
After examining him, the doctor says, "Well, Peter, I'm fairly convinced that I know what your problem is, but you won’t like what I’m going to tell you. It's your penis that’s causing you your stuttering. It's 14” long and its weight is pressing down too hard and putting too much of a strain on your vocal cords."
The doctor continues, "If you want, I can cut off your current oversized penis and transplant an average sized one in its place. This type of operation nearly always works to cure stuttering. And as a by-product, I can preserve your original penis in a jar for observation and research and this will allow me to operate for free. What do you think? Is it a deal?"
Peter replies, "Dddo it, ddddoctor."
3 months later, Peter returns to see his doctor for a progress check. "Thanks doctor," Peter says, "You've sorted me out at last – I’m no longer stuttering. But I now have a new problem. I've only made love to my wife a handful of times in the past 6 weeks. She doesn't enjoy lovemaking any more because I’m unable to satisfy her in the way I used to. She liked my long penis and wants you to put it back. She doesn’t care if I have to stutter again. So can you do it?"
The doctor replies, "Nnnno I ccccan’t, PPPPetttter, a ddddeal is a ddddeal."
Patrick, a lawyer, arrives home late one evening after a very tiring day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, James Wright, who is due to be hanged for murder at midnight. Patrick had made a last-minute plea for clemency to the governor, but his plea had been rejected. So when Patrick arrives home, he’s depressed and very, very tired.
But as soon as he walks into his house, his wife starts on him. "And what time of night do you call this Patrick? You should have been home hours ago - where have you been all this time?"
But Patrick is too tired to participate in this regular ritual and ignores her tirade. Instead, he pours himself a glass of best whiskey and goes upstairs to have a good long soak in a hot bath. 20 minutes later, while he’s still in the bath, the phone rings. His wife answers and is told that her husband's client has, at the very last moment, been granted his stay of execution after all. She suddenly realises what a day her husband must have had and feels very embarrassed about her outburst. So she goes upstairs to give him the good news. She opens the bathroom door and is immediately greeted by the sight of Patrick’s naked backside as he is bending over drying his feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she says.
Patrick straightens up, turns around and screams out, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop with your bitching?"
WORLD CLASS !
. (den ene gang ud af to om mandagen, måtte være som "erstatning" for manglende indtjening om Lørdagen 
)
, nu er du skyld at Jeg har fået forbud af konen mod at handle i BILKA alene 
.