Ryanairs direktør Michael O'Leary går ind på en bar.
- 1 øl tak.
- S' gerne Hr. Direktør. Det bliver lige 5 kr.
- Hold da op det var billigt!
- Ja vi serverer den billigste øl i hele København Hr. Direktør.
- Her får man godt nok noget for pengene!
- Jeg kan se ar du ikke har et glas med selv. Så du får nok brug for en af vores. Det koster 15 kr.
O'Leary skulede utilfreds til bartenderen men besluttede ikke at brokke sig. Han gik hen imod et bord for at få sin ølserveret der.
- Undskyld men du har vist ikke booket et bord inden du kom. Det koster 20 kr. Ekstra. Hvis du havde booket på forhånd havde det kun kostet en 10'er!
- Og undskyld men du ser ud til at være lidt for stor til vores pladser. Det koster 40 kr. Ekstra at du fylder lidt for meget.
O'Leary er tosset nu og påstår at INGEN er så små at de kan holde sig inden for de små pladser. Men han accepterer alligevel. Og tager sin iPad op af sin taske.
- Undskyld igen Hr. Dkrektør men normalt tillader vi ikke den slags elektronik herinde. Men for 30 kr. Kan du købe en tilladelse.
Direktør O'Leary har nu brugt 105 kr. For at få serveret en øl til en femmer. Han er meget utålmodig og råber KOMMER DEN ØL SNART!
- Desværre Hr. Direktør jeg har netop fået at vide at din øl er aflyst pga tekniske problemer og vejret. Her er din femmer for øllen.
- Jamen hvad så med de andre 105 kr. Jeg har betalt?
- I henhold til EU loven er vi kun forpligtet til at tilbagebetale prisen for øllen. Tillægsydelser er ikke omfattet.
- Tak for besøget og husk til en anden gang at vi serverer Københavns billigste øl!
My wife had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) My wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."
A Day in the Diary of a Thai BMW Driver
"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver’s licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."
To arabere gik ombord på et fly, der skulle flyve fra Washington til New York.
Den ene satte sig i sædet ud mod vinduet, den anden i midtersædet.
Lige inden "take off" steg en lille tyk israeler ombord og satte sig i sædet ved siden af araberne.
Han sparkede skoene af, vrikkede med tæerne og skulle til at sætte sig til rette, da araberen ved vinduet sagde: "Jeg tror jeg går op og henter en cola"! "Det er ikke noget problem", sagde israeleren, "jeg skal nok hente den for dig".
Imens israeleren var væk, tog araberen israelerens ene sko og spyttede i den.
Da israeleren kom tilbage, sagde den anden araber: "Det ser godt ud. Jeg tror også jeg vil ha' en"!
Igen var israeleren flink og gik op efter en cola.
Imens han var væk tog den anden araber den anden sko og spyttede i den.
Israeleren kom tilbage med colaen, og de nød alle den korte tur til New York.
Da flyet skulle til at lande, stak israeleren fødderne i sine sko, og vidste med det samme, hvad der var hændt.
"Hvor længe skal dette blive ved"?, spurgte han, "Dette fjendskab mellem vore folk....dette had....dette spytten i sko og pissen i colaer?"
The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand." "He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
Her Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick" "I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."
I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.
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After landing my new job as a Tesco greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, chavy woman walked into the store along with her two kids, shouting and swearing at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly chav woman stopped swearing long enough to say, "Don't be f*****ng stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone f***** you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Tesco."
My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
