Three men - a Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The Scotsman pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Englishman lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he had to do something just as impressive so he stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of 'Toilet paper' hanging from his arse.
The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"
This is the best, most Interesting English lesson I have had to date.
Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters?
Do you know that the word "racecar" spelled backwards still spells "racecar"?
And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?
Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit- grabbing, resource-sucking, non-English-speaking ****** and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-s*****, raggedy-*** b's with you."
An 18-year-old girl (with no experience) finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself.
Since she was very good looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys came on to her.
Her mother said, “It’s very easy! Whenever a boy starts talking to you, you ask him, ‘What will be the name of our baby?’ That’ll scare them off.”
So off she went.
After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her. Little by little he started kissing her and touching her.
She asked him, “What will our baby be called?”
The boy found some excuse and disappeared.
Some time later, the same thing happened again: A boy started to kiss her neck and her shoulders. She stopped him and asked about the baby’s name, and he ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him,
“What will our baby be called?”
He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.
“What will our baby be called?” she asked once more.
He began to make love with her.
“What will our baby be called?!” she asked again.
After he was done, he took off his full condom, tied it in a knot, and said...
“If he gets out of this one... Houdini!”
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said: "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin - in every way"
The doctor told him: "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the hotel bedroom, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.
She said: "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."
He immediately drops his pants and replies, ....."Look at this, .....still in the CRATE!"
Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.
Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
‘Bi’ Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’
Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’
‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’
Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.
Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
‘Bi’ Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’
Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’
‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’
En mor stod i køkkenet og kunne derfra høre sin søn lege med tog i stuen. Hun bemærkede at toget stoppede og hørte drengen sige: "Alle i lede røvhuller der skal af må nu nok heller skynde jer af helvede til; og til idioterne der netop står på kan jeg kun sige - se så at få røven med jer, vi skal jo videre".
Den chokerede kvinde skyndte sig ind i stuen og sagde: "Vi bruger sandelig ikke den slags sprog her i huset. Som straf må du gå op på dit værelse i to timer. Derefter kan du lege med dit nye tog igen, HVIS du taler ordentligt".
To timer senere leger drengen igen med toget. Toget stopper og hun hører sin søn sige: "Til alle passagerer der nu forlader os vil jeg sige, tak for at i rejste med os og husk endelig al jeres bagage.. Vi håber i har haft en behagelig rejse". Hun hørte drengen fortsætte: Til vore nye rejsende vil jeg ønske dem velkommen ombord, vi skal gøre alt hvad der er os muligt for at i vil have en behagelig rejse. Venligst find et sæde inden vi starter".
Moderen begyndte stolt at smile da hun hørte drengen fortsætte: "Og er der nogen af jer røvhuller der er sure over at vi i dag kører med to timers forsinkelse kan i gå ud og tale med den fede kælling ude i køkkenet".
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like
an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
British scientists for suggestions.
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly
in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old cowboy.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of
me?'
The old cowboy calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years. '
..I anledningen af julen ville en ung mand købe en julegave til sin forlovede. De havde ikke kendt hinanden særlig længe, så efter moden overvejelse besluttede han, at et par handsker ville være passende.
Det var ikke alt for romantisk og ej heller for personligt. Den unge mand fulgtes med sin forlovedes søster til Illum, hvor han købte et par flotte hvide handsker med pelsfor. Søsteren købte et par smarte minitrusser til sig selv, men da ekspedienten pakkede varerne ind, kom hun til at give dem de forkerte pakker. Søsteren fik pakken med handskerne og den unge mand pakken med minitrusserne.
Uden at checke indholdet sendte den unge mand pakken til sin forlovede med følgende brev: "Kære... Jeg har valgt disse, fordi jeg har bemærket, at du ikke plejer at have nogen på, når du går ud om aftenen. Hvis det ikke havde været for din søster, havde jeg valgt nogle lange med knapper, men hun har altid korte på, som er lette at tage af. Jeg synes selv, at farven er smuk og ekspedienten som solgte mig dem, viste mig et par, hun havde haft på de sidste 3 uger og de var næsten ikke snavsede. Jeg fik hende til at prøve dine og hun så virkelig smart ud.
Jeg ville ønske, jeg var hos dig, så jeg kunne give dig dem på første gang, inden andres hænder kommer i kontakt med dem. Når du har taget dem af, skal du huske at puste i dem, før du lægger dem væk, da de naturligvis kan være lidt fugtige, efter du har haft dem på. Tænk nu på, hvor mange gange jeg vil kysse dem i de kommende år. Jeg håber, du tager dem på, når vi ses fredag aften. Med kærlige hilsner... P.S.:
Den sidste nye mode, jeg har set, er at bukke kanten lidt ned, så man kan se lidt af pelsværket."
******Glædelig jul skat******
MICROCHIP IMPLANT ALLOWS TERRORISTS TO SPEAK TO GOD
COPPER COATED MICROCHIP IMPLANT ALLOWS TERRORISTS TO SPEAK TO GOD.
The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.
When properly installed, it will instantly allow the terrorist to speak to God.
It comes in various sizes: Generally from .223 to .50 cal.
The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection.
No Anaesthetic is required. The implant is likely to be painless.
Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches or pains are extremely temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, you won't even notice it.
