A Bloke calls the company and orders their 5 day 5 kgs weight loss programme.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
The sign reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few kilometres later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kgs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5 day 10 kgs programme.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 kgs, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day 25 kgs programme.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous programme.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
THE GOLF BALL AND THE SAND WEDGE
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her
husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home
unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.
Then the woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the
little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$250'
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy
and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have sand wedge.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How
much?'
Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold..'
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy,
'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside
and have some short game practice. The boy says,
'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '$1,000.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is far more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little
boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again.
You're in my closet now!'
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbours feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
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The man said to the dentist. "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to go numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 am tee off time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already ...I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work."
The dentist thought to himself. "Well, well, at last a golfer with total dedication!"
So the dentist asked him. "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and says. "Open your mouth honey and show the dentist."
SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA:
So, what happened?
WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.
Fordi jeg elsker hende når hun ...... ( tror jeg nok )
Laver dejlig thaimad ,som er så stærk så jeg ikke kan spise det !
Huset stænker af gammel fisk !
Køkkenvasken er stoppet af gamle ris !
Telefonen ringer fra Thailand ..send flere penge !!
Veninderne sidder på gulvet og spiser !
The voice spiller på fuld drøn , så naboerne klager !
Telefonen ringer .. send flere penge !
Hun sidder og plukker "grå hår " , og smider dem på bordet !
Trykker bumser ud i spejlet !
Klipper negle , og lader dem falde ned på gulvet !
Telefonen ringer .... det var ikke nok ! send flere !!
1 time i badet ! og jeg skal lave stort !
Oy kigger forbi .. de taler Thai , .. kigger på mig og griner !
Telefonen ringer igen ! Hvem var det ? Hva '' ' rager det dig ai kwai !!!
Give me money !! brother have accident !!
Bliver væk i Bilka ! ( Vi skulle bare købe lidt til weekenden , men jeg finder hende i møbelafdelingen ,, hvor hun kikker på en grim sofa til 15000. kr.) !
Ai sat i love you !
Telefonen ringer .. Fætter Somchai , har problemer , Ikke nok penge !
Når jeg går i almindeligt tempo .. sakker hun 10 meter bagud !
Hendes mor ringer .... rishøsten er ikke så god i år , vi har brugt flere penge på gødning , end vi kan sælge risene for !! Send flere penge !!!
Tirak give me money ! Mother have big problem !!
Kusine Noi .. er i Bangkok , og har ikke penge til retur billeten ! ,, til Baan Kii Nok , hurtigt i banken og overføre 1000.kr. !!
Telefonen ringer igen ! nu er motobiken gået i stykker igen !! ( kan de sgu da bare ikke ringe , nu når man alligevel er i banken !!
MIN telefonen siger lyde............ Det er en sms fra Thai Erik !! ..kan du tåle en kringle i aften ?....................Ja mon ikke..... !!!!!
Nu er jeg sgu nok alkoholiker ! , bare fordi jeg trængte til en lille slapper idag !!
A beautiful young model boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy, and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm a famous model, and have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the ****pit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies: "I'm a famous model, I'm sitting here all the way to New York." . The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the ****pit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot.
The Co-pilot says that he used to date a blond model like her, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "ok, thank you". She hugs the Co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class seats aren't going to New York."
