A police officer call the station on his radio.....
'I have an interesting case here...an old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped....
"have you arrested her yet?"
"not yet....the floor's still wet!!"
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his 'thing.' So, he decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his 'thingie,' which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the 'thing' sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."
The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well," said the old lady,
"When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat!"
Doc,” says Steve, “I want to be castrated.”
“What on earth for?” asks the doctor in amazement.
“It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done,” replies Steve.
“But have you thought it through properly?” asks the doctor. “It’s a very serious operation and once
it’s done, there’s no going back. It will change your life forever!”
“I’m aware of that and you’re not going to change my mind. Either you book me in to be castrated
or I’ll simply go to another doctor.”
“Well, OK,” says the doctor, “but it’s against my better judgment!”
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the
hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly
the same way.
“Hi there,” says Steve. “It looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.”
“Well,” said the patient, “I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be
circumcised.”
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, “Shit! THAT’S the word!”
Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"£150 pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him & the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "£150 pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.
As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer & Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hooker's corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bugger!"
Patrick O’Malley raised his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life between the legs
of my wife!” And he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife, “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “What was your toast?”
So he told her, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside my wife.”
“Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.”
The next day, Mary ran into one of Patrick’s drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man
said, “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about
you, Mary?”
She replied: “Yes—and I was a bit surprised. ‘Til now, he’s only been down there twice. Once he
fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
En dame havde barberet sig, fordi hun ville have en tatovering.
Og spørger tatovøren, om han kan tatovere hende forneden.
Ja det kan jeg, hvad skal du have lavet svarede tatovøren
damen svarede kæk, det skal være en nøgle
det laver han selvfølgelig, og hun betaler og går hjem.
Der går så et lille stykke tid, og da hårene er vokset ud besøger hun igen tatovøren
Han spurgte var det ikke dig der fik tatoveret en nøgle forneden
Jo det var mig, og nu vil jeg have en tatovering mere
Det klarer vi også, og hvad skal det være denne gang?
Under navlen vil jeg gerne have du skriver... nøglen ligger under måtten!
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.
The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15."
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'"
"I remember that too," she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
Chef! Du må altså give mig lønforhøjelse. Der er 3 andre store virksomheder som er ude efter mig.
Nå, ser man det. Hvem er det?
Danske Bank, SKAT og RKI.
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My *** life hardly exists anymore, so I've converted to Islam and changed my name too Seldom Bin Laid!
..........................................................
If *** with two people is called a twosome and *** involving three people is called a threesome now I understand why they call me handsome!
.........................................................
Two Thai girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
................................................................
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On there wedding night the newly weds spent the first night in the honeymoon suite of the motel the husband went down stairs to order breakfast. Egg, bacon, sausages and toast for me , and a lettuce for the wife he told the waiter. Isn't lettuce a rather unusual breakfast choice sir? Yes replied the husband but i want to see if she eats like a rabbit as well.
Two 90 yr old mates Bruce and Phill meet in the street and Bruce says to Phill Whats this i hear about you being committed on a rape charge, you know thats ridiculous. Yeh i know says Phill but i was too bloody proud to plead Not Guilty.
The recession had hit the elderly country couple harder than most and they had fallen on very hard times. Sarah offers to help by going out on the streets.Hubby Phill protests feebly, but Sarah goes out. The next morning he's counting her takings. There's $34.50. Which lousy bugger gave you 50 cents, he asks. All of them she answered.
En ældre, hvidhåret mand gik ind i en juvelerbutik fredag aften, medbringende en meget smuk og meget yngre kvinde ved sin side.
Han fortalte juveleren, han var på udkig efter en speciel ring til sin kæreste. Juveleren kiggede på sit lager og fandt en $ 5.000 ring.
Manden sagde, "Nej, jeg vil gerne se noget mere specielt."
På den opfordring, gik guldsmed ud på det særlige lager og bragte
anden ring frem. "Her er en fantastisk ring til kun $ 40,000.- sagde guldsmeden.
Damens øjne strålede og hele hendes krop rystede af spænding.
Den gamle mand sagde: "Vi tar den".
Juveleren spurgte, hvordan betalingen vil ske, og manden sagde,
"Med check. "Jeg ved, du har brug for at undersøge om der er dækning for betalingen, så jeg skriver den bare nu
og du kan ringe i banken mandag for at kontrollere at dækningen nu også er der. Jeg henter ringen op mandag eftermiddag. "
Mandag formiddag ringede juveleren til den gamle mand og sagde
»Hr... Der er ingen penge på deres konto.
'' Jeg ved, "sagde den gamle mand ..." Men lad mig fortælle dig om min weekend. "
