Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady... !!
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi:
"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and
keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) " Don't believe a word he says, that sheep's a bloody liar.."
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"
Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."
PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"
PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."
Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.
Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.
A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM
Murphy from Dublin, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it,
and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
Konen kom tidligt hjem og fandt sin mand i dobbeltsengen med en meget attraktiv
ung kvinde. Og hun blev ude af sig selv.
"Dit store svin!" skreg hun, "Hvor vover du at gøre dette mod mig - en trofast hustru, dine børns mor - jeg forlader dig øjeblikkeligt! - og jeg ønsker i øvrigt skilsmisse - her og nu!!"
Manden svarede:
"Slap lidt af, kæreste - lad mig i det mindste lige forklare det hele!"'
Godt - forklar så! - hvæsede hun, men det bliver så de sidste ord, du siger til mig!"'
Og manden begyndte:
"OK! - jeg var lige gået ind i bilen, da denne unge dame bad om et lift.
Hun så ud til at være lidt nede i kulkælderen og så ganske forsvarsløs ud, så jeg fik medlidenhed med hende og lod hende komme ind i bilen.
Med det samme kunne jeg se, at hun var tynd, snavset og meget dårligt klædt. Hun fortalte, at hun ikke havde fået noget at spise i 3 dage.Jeg ynkedes ved hende og bragte hende derfor med her hjem.
Den mad, jeg havde lavet til dig i aftes, som du ikke ville have, fordi du ikke ville tage på i vægt, gav jeg til den lille stakkel, og hun spiste den med glubende appetit.
Da hun jo også trængte sådan til at blive vasket, foreslog jeg hende, at hun kunne tage et dejligt brusebad, og imens bemærkede jeg, at hendes tøj var snavset og fuld af huller, så det smed jeg simpelthen ud.
Da hun så intet tøj havde mere, gav jeg hende de designer-jeans, jeg gav dig sidste år, og som du ikke ville tage på, fordi de var alt for snævre.Jeg gav hende også det undertøj, jeg forærede dig i bryllupsgave, som du heller ikke ville bære, fordi jeg overhovedet ikke havde nogen smag.
Den sexede bluse, min søster gav dig til jul, gav jeg hende også. Du ville jo alligevel ikke have den på, da du jo ikke kan udstå hende -og støvlerne, du købte i den der dyre boutique, men ikke ville trække på, fordi din kollega havde et par magen til, fik hun også."
Manden tog en hurtig dyb indånding og fortsatte:
Hun var ganske overvældet over min hjælp, og da jeg fulgte hende til døren, vendte hun sig imod mig og spurgte:
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the
past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the
problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, and
why she doesn’t want to have sex with her husband.
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to
work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or
what?’ So, I take an ‘or what.’
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write
this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what.’
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again,
‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what.’
So you see, Doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”
BURDE HUN FRIFINDES?
Forsvarsadvokaten:
Vil De være venlig at fortælle Deres alder?
Den lille gamle dame:
Jeg er 94 år gammel.
Forsvarsadvokaten:
Vil De fortælle os, med Deres egne ord, hvad der skete om aftenen den 1. april?
Den lille gamle dame:
Der sad jeg, alene i min havegyngesofa i min forhave på en varm forårsdag, da en ung mand kom snigende op på min terrasse og satte sig ved siden af mig.
Forsvarsadvokaten:
Kendte De ham?
Den lille gamle dame:
Nej, men han var i den grad venlig.
Forsvarsadvokaten:
Hvad skete der, efter han havde sat sig ned?
Den lille gamle dame:
Han begyndte at gnide mit lår.
Forsvarsadvokaten:
Stoppede De ham?
Den lille gamle dame:
Nej, jeg stoppede ham ikke.
Forsvarsadvokaten:
Hvorfor ikke?
Den lille gamle dame:
Det føltes godt. Ingen havde gjort sådan, siden min Albert døde for 30 år siden.
Forsvarsadvokaten:
Hvad skete der derefter?
Den lille gamle dame:
Han begyndte at gnubbe mig på brysterne.
Forsvarsadvokaten:
Stoppede du ham i at gøre det?
Den lille gamle dame:
Nej, jeg stoppede ham ikke.
Forsvarsadvokaten:
Hvorfor ikke?
Den lille gamle dame:
Hans gnubben fik mig til at føle mig i live og opløftet. Jeg havde det bedre, end jeg havde haft i årevis!
Forsvarsadvokaten:
Hvad skete der så?
Den lille gamle dame:
Altså, på det tidspunkt, følte jeg mig så vild og fuld af pep, at jeg bare smed mig ned og råbte: ?Tag mig, unge mand ? tag mig nu!?
Forsvarsadvokaten:
Gjorde han så det?
Den lille gamle dame: :
Fandme nej!! Han råbte bare: APRILSNAR!!!!!!? Og så var det, jeg skød ham, det dumme svin?.
A flat chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated a certain Dr.Bumbutu in South Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery.
So she decided to go to Dr.Bumbutu to see if he could help her.
Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?'
Yes I am. How did you know?'
He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickorydock'...
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
